For most of my life, I thought approval was safety. When you grow up in chaos, being “good” feels like the only way to survive. If I was the helpful kid, the funny one, the athlete, the straight-A student, maybe people would like me enough not to hurt me.
That belief carried into adulthood. I built my world on being reliable, capable, the guy who could handle anything. Every compliment was a hit of validation. Every critique, a personal failure. My peace lived outside of me, in other people’s reactions.
I worked endlessly, overdelivered for clients, stayed late to help friends, made sure everyone liked me. But I was never at peace. I didn’t realize I was outsourcing my worth.
The Moment It Cracked
I remember sitting in my truck after finishing a high-stress project. Everything had gone perfectly. The client was thrilled, the team celebrated, but I felt completely empty. I had done everything “right,” but it didn’t feel like mine.
That was the moment I realized that chasing approval was its own prison. It wasn’t protecting me anymore; it was controlling me.
I didn’t need more applause. I needed authenticity.
How I Started Reclaiming My Peace
I created what I call my Hierarchy of Urgency. Before reacting, I ask myself three questions:
- Is this about safety or ego?
- Will this matter next week, next month, or next year?
- Am I doing this for connection or for acceptance?
That filter gave me control over my emotions. It’s not about ignoring feedback. It’s about deciding which voices get to shape your peace.
My Grounding Practice
When I feel myself getting pulled back into people-pleasing or stress, I stop. I literally stop moving. I sit down, close my eyes, and put my hands on my stomach. I take slow, deliberate breaths in and out of my belly until I can feel my nervous system reset.
This isn’t a fancy technique. It’s about pausing long enough to remember that my peace belongs to me. The world doesn’t get to rent space in my head unless I allow it.
Sometimes I’ll ask myself a simple question: “Would I still do this if no one ever knew?” If the answer is yes, that’s peace.
Learning to Like Myself First
I’ve learned that I can’t control how people see me, but I can control how I see myself. My worth isn’t a performance metric anymore.
Now, instead of chasing applause, I chase alignment. Instead of proving, I choose peace.
And ironically, when I stopped chasing approval, the right people started showing up — the ones who valued me for who I was, not what I did.
The Coaching Lesson
Approval addiction is one of the most common wounds I see in coaching. It’s the residue of growing up in environments where love was conditional.
Healing begins when you realize you don’t have to earn safety anymore. You already survived what you were scared of.
Peace isn’t a reward someone else gives you. It’s the gift you give yourself when you stop auditioning for love.
Work With Me
If you’re ready to stop living for approval and start living for peace, I can help you find your center again.
In my coaching practice, I teach clients how to regulate their nervous systems, rebuild confidence, and set healthy emotional boundaries that actually last.
You’ve done enough proving. Now it’s time to start living.
